[Caution: Sweary, self-righteous ranting ahead!]
I watched Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) last night… thankfully it was on TV, so I didn’t have to spend a penny on the worthless, misogynistic, homophobic piece of shit. On a purely technical level, the director seems to be trying to pass himself off as the poor man’s Edgar Wright, with too many flashy editing effects and trick-shots… which are particularly glaring when they do things like accelorate the movements of the ‘Vicar’, implying that he has vampire-like super-speed even though he’s totally human, and doesn’t. Tch! The script honestly sounds like it was written by a slightly drunken teenage boy and… as for the sexual politics, yeeesh!
The fact that the story squarely pits (pseudo-sapphic) women against (laddish) men is bad enough, even before the “heroes” start bashing the ladies’ heads in with frying pans and stabbing them with their “cock sword” (a sword with a hilt shaped like a penis… as if a sword wasn’t phallic enough already!). Even more disturbingly, the vamps’ blood is a sort of grey-white goop, suspiciously similar to spunk, so in some shots it just looks like the guys are ejaculating over the dismembered bodies of dead women! Seriously f*cked up stuff. The actual “lesbianism” is confined to a lot of soft-core kissing, and a few topless shots… basically no more subversive or threatening than a Katy Perry video. I’d read beforehand that the flick ends with a shot of a “gay werewolf”, so I was curious to see how they’d portray that gag on-screen… and naturally they did it in the laziest, most stereotypical way possible (he’s in silhouette, with one limp-wristed claw out, emitting a very camp sort of “Ooooh!”-like howl). Just absolutely f*cking awful, from start to finish.
Incidentally, the female lead (playing a sexy-virgin-with-glasses cliché, who perfunctorily announces that she “loves” the male lead largely for the sake of a shitty joke) is played by MyAnna Buring, who went on to appear as ‘Shel’ in the vastly superior Kill List… so it’s nice to know this abomination didn’t hamper her career any.