An eerie automaton with the face of Audrey HepburnWatching ITV2 last night, I was disturbed to discover that the late Audrey Hepburn had been digitally disinterred to shill for Galaxy chocolate, twenty years after her death. Shudder. The soul-crushing clip stars a preternaturally young A-Hep sat on a bus that’s stuck in a traffic jam (presumably on its way to the Uncanny Valley), where she flirts with some generic tool-bag in an open-top sports car, while cheerfully tucking into the chocolate bar her grave-robbers forced into her cold, dead, colourised hand. Shudder. There are several moments where her movements become quite stiff and mechanical, suggesting that she’s either an evil robot duplicate, or a character from an old Resident Evil cut-scene. Shudder. Oh, and obviously this abomination is accompanied by “Moon River”, because if you’re going to piss on someone’s legacy you may as well go the whole hog, right? Gah!

Apparently A-Hep’s sons authorised this posthumous degradation, claiming in a press release: “Our mother often spoke about her love of chocolate and how it lifted her spirit so we’re sure she would have been proud of her role as the face of Galaxy. The advert perfectly captures her playful spirit and we hope audiences enjoy it as much as they enjoyed her movies.” Feh.

For the record, Cadbury’s Dairy Milk tastes better, and it’s fair trade, and their factory isn’t built on an old Hollywood burial ground, so I highly recommend that everyone buy that instead.

About Dee CrowSeer

A comic book writer with an interest in feminism, philosophy, and affirmative action. He/him.
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