[Contains tell-tale salt stains and SPOILERS!!!]
The sixth season of Seinfeld (1994) saw our Lainey (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) meeting some of the most important and influential men in her life. First up was ‘Mr. Pitt’ (Ian Abercrombie), the eccentric toff who plucks her from the unemployment line, and offers her a highly frustrating job as his personal assistant (ep #6.1, “The Chaperone”). Pitt gives her some ridiculous tasks to perform, such as picking salt crystals off his pretzels, and identifying old-timey swing tunes to help him win the chance to stand under a Woody Woodpecker balloon during the Thanksgiving Day Parade… on the other hand, Elaine encourages her friends to phone her at work, meaning that her boss is often answering calls for her, rather than the other way around! It’s certainly not a match made in Heaven, but just as she’s getting ready to hand in her notice, Pitt reveals that he’s thinking of adding her to his will… until his attorney becomes convinced that Elaine and Jerry are trying to murder him, and she gets the sack anyway! (#6.22, “The Diplomat’s Club”) Thankfully she doesn’t have to wait too long until she’s rescued from the cold and rainy streets by the legendary ‘J. Peterman’ (John O’Hurley), who beguiles her with his exotic catalogue speak and sonorous voice. Hurrah! (#6.24, “The Understudy”) On the social side of things, she also has a brief fling with Jerry’s swinging dentist ‘Dr. Tim Whatley’, played by Bryan Cranston (#6.12, “The Label Maker”)… then meets her face-painting “grease-monkey” soul-mate ‘David Puddy’, played by Patrick Warburton. Yeah, s’right. (#6.21, “The Fusilli Jerry”)
No long-term love interests for the male cast members this time, but plenty supporting actresses passing in and out of their lives (and beds): Marguerite MacIntyre appeared in ep #6.1 as ‘Karen’ (aka “Miss Rhode Island”), a beauty pageant contestant Jerry attempts to date, despite her insistence that Kramer accompany them as a chaperone. Michelle Forbes appeared in ep #6.2 (“The Big Salad”) as ‘Julie’, a girlfriend of George’s who accepts Elaine’s thanks for buying her a “big salad”, even though George was the one who paid for it. This episode also saw the first credited appearance of Lauren Bowles as a ‘Waitress’ at the gang’s regular hang-out… though her finest moment came the following week, when she gave George a sly middle-finger gesture, while pointing to the menu and “scratching” her cheek. (#6.3, “The Pledge Drive”) Jessica Hecht appeared in ep #6.5 (“The Couch”) as ‘Lindsay’, a girlfriend of George’s who tries to rope him into her book club, even though he’d rather rent the (unfaithful) movie adaptation of Breakfast at Tiffany’s than read the original 90-page novella! For some reason she was still dating him in the subsequent episode (#6.6, “The Gymnast”), which also featured Elina Löwensohn as ‘Katya’, a Romanian Olympic gymnast whose un-acrobatic love-making disappoints Jerry. Weirdly, he’s quite disinterested in her from the outset, despite her super-cute bob and adorable accent… but at least she gets to deliver one of the show’s greatest ever kiss-offs: “In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the ‘Comedian’.” [pause] “You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian!”
Linda Wallem appeared in ep #6.7 (“The Soup”) as ‘Hildy’, a waitress girlfriend of Kramer’s, who sullenly refuses to serve the gang their preferred lunches when they start to frequent her eatery. Although Wallem has a few acting credits on her resume, she’s better known as a writer, director and producer for shows such as Cybill, That ’70s Show, and Nurse Jackie (which she co-created). Vicki Lewis appeared in ep #6.9 (“The Secretary”) as ‘Ada’, the supposedly undesirable secretary that George hires, only to be seduced by her uber-efficiency. She then grasses him up to their big boss, after overhearing a conversation between George and a Communist lady he’s contacted through a personal ad in a “Red” newspaper. (#6.10, “The Race”) That episode also featured a cameo by Denise Poirier (aka Aeon Flux) as ‘Arlene’, an acquaintance Elaine tries to impress with her Bolshie boyfriend while out Christmas shopping. Charlotte Lewis appeared in ep #6.11 (“The Switch”) as ‘Nina’, a stunning supermodel girlfriend of George’s (!), who he suspects of being bulimic. Jessica Tuck appeared in ep #6.12 as ‘Bonnie’, a girlfriend of George’s with a highly coveted velvet couch and fancy apartment, furnished by her pesky male room-mate. Barbara Alyn Woods appeared in ep #6.13 (“The Scofflaw”) as ‘Debby’, a woman on an awkward non-date with George.
Wendie Malick appeared in ep #6.17 (“The Kiss Hello”) as ‘Wendy’, a physical therapist friend of Elaine’s with an old-fashioned hair-style that catches Kramer’s fancy… and her tongue-clicking receptionist was played by Carol Leifer, a stand-up comic who’s also worked as a writer and producer on such shows as Saturday Night Live, The Larry Sanders Show, and Devious Maids (as well as Seinfeld!) Meanwhile, Wendy Worthington appeared as ‘Louise’, one of several neighbours that Jerry snubs after Kramer attempts to get them all on a friendlier, first-name-greeting basis. Christa Miller appeared in ep #6.20 (“The Doodle”) as ‘Paula’, a girlfriend of George’s, who draws an unflattering cartoon of him.* Debra Jo Rupp appeared in ep #6.22 (“The Diplomat’s Club”) as ‘Katie’, a tour booker for Jerry who treats him like an out-of-touch celebrity. Finally, June Kyoto Lu (aka June Kyoko Lu) appeared in ep #6.24 (“The Understudy”) as ‘Ruby’, the meanie manager of a nail salon who makes mock of Elaine in Korean… while Amy Hill appeared as ‘Kim’, one of the salon’s staff-members, who also happens to be an ex-girlfriend of George’s father Frank! Oh, and Bette Midler as “herself”, of course, receiving the bum-rush from George during a friendly basketball game, and the fawning attention of a fanboy-ish Kramer.
* Miller previously appeared in ep #5.4 (“The Sniffing Accountant”) as an executive at a company where George has a seemingly perfect interview, only to blow it by feeling the fabric of her blouse without consent… but it was such a small role, I didn’t bother mentioning it. Sorry.